Painter Song - Norah Jones

If I were a painter
I would paint my reverie
If that's the only way
For you to be with me

We'd be together
Just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies
For all to see

And I'm dreaming of a place
Where I could see your face
And I think my brush
Could take me there

But only....

If I were a painter
And could paint a memory
I'd climb inside the swirling skies
To be with you
I'd climb inside the skies
Just to be with you.


I am seeking closure somewhere in all this and am unsure where I will find it. God brings me comfort...nothing brings closure. Grandma loved Norah Jones....she's been playing on repeat constantly at my house. My mom's house too.

I feel so guilty. I'm not at home with my family. But I know grandma wants me here and I know she doesn't want me to cry but I'm just so sad.

I am lucky that at 23 I've never lost anyone close to me until now. But I'm also now an adult with no idea how to deal with death. I just wish I had been there with my mom and her at the hospital. I wish I weren't sitting alone in chicago trying to figure this all out.

I'm just so sad.

Goodbye

I lost my best friend today.

And the world lost and amazing woman.

God gained my grandma in heaven.

Leah Halene Boudreau
10.29.1921-06.23.2008

I'm gonna miss her so much but at least my heart was ready.

w o w

How did I get here?? No seriously how did this happen? This moment in life seems unreal. Last summer at this time I was working at a summer camp, going to UIC about to enter my last semester - all while pondering if a bachelors degree in psychology would really make me happy.

Impulsively I decided it wouldn't.

I didn't register for classes, I didn't go back to uic, I decided to live my dream.

I started culinary school....

Now, less than a year later I've just landed a job in one of the most well known restaurants in chicago.

The Signature Room @ The 95th

Tomorrow is my first day and it absolutely feels like a dream. I never thought I'd really be here. Every time college used to get hard and stressful I'd say I was gonna drop out and open a restaurant. Well I dropped out alright...and no I don't own Signature Room but they own me so its close enough.

I've been trying to be calm about this. To keep telling myself its not that big of a deal. But its a Chicago icon and now I'm a part of it. Surreal.

I'm finally happy.

Today my mom told me she's proud of me.

That's the best part.

So, that's my news and I just want to say thanks to all my friends and family who've been so encouraging of my dream this last year. You all are my inspirations and the reasons I love cooking in the first place.

You all brought me here.

the good life

Can I just say I love naps? I took one today and it was lovely.

And I had chocolate soy milk - yummy

Ohh and I can't stop listening to shawn mcdonald....love him. Soo chill. And his testimony is amazing. Wow.

Today was definitely a low blood pressure day. Yay.

Back to reality soon I'm sure. But for now I'm gonna sit here smiling over shawn and my choco milk before bed :-)

Road Ahead

I stress over evvverything. Seriously, I'm my own worst critic, especially when it comes to my art - food. I was up til 1am stressing over menus last night and got up at 430am to stress some more. I know every single flaw in the food I made today. Ugh.

I guess its a good thing in some ways. I definitely have no ego....a lot of chefs do....not cool.

But it leaves me exhausted....all that criticism swirling in my head. Hopefully it will just make me the best chef I can be.

Tomorrow is probably my last day as the breakfast chef @ a B&B I've been working at for about a year. Cool place, no pressure, tourists who base their "best breakfast experience" on the last time they were at Denny's...its fun. I get to use my creativity and play around with recipes and make up specials. But, I've outgrown it I guess. Gotta keep moving up and moving on and improving my skills.

I'll miss it.....sometimes......ok well I'll miss some parts/people a lot. Other parts I'm sooo relieved to be done with.

Maybe they'll let me come back as a "guest chef" occasionally?

I guess I should go have a sage ceremony....I'm about to embark on a big new journey.

Wish me luck

And success would me nice too :-)

Let's go fly a kite

Every year when I was a little girl my grandma would buy me a kite. We'd make a thermos of hot chocolate dig up a box of girl scout cookies and walk to the cemetery and fly it. My mom recalls that many times when she'd come to pick me up she'd find the house closed up and grandma's car in the garage. After a minute she'd look down the street and spy my little kite flapping in the breeze.

Thinking back, its one of my fondest memories. A brightly colored kite against a dreary march sky, flying over the headstones of an old catholic cemetery. Hot chocolate and lemon cookies.

Maybe its not your average childhood memory, but its mine.

And for the record lemon is still my favorite flavor for dessert.

So now at 23 I find myself in this strange place between life and death. My grandma is almost 87. She's not the grandma who drove her car down country roads unfit for old ladies and little girls just to show me where she grew up, or the grandma who spanked me in the bathroom of a fastfood place because I flicked ketchup all over her. Now, she's the just shell of my grandma. When I look at the frail lady in the hospital bed I feel like she's already lost her life. The spry legs that took me on wild outings can no longer walk. The beautiful voice that taught me everything I need to know about life is almost silent now. The nimble hands that crotched me blankets and taught me to cook lay still in her lap.

Sure, she's still my grandma. She still makes me smile and she still loves me unconditionally, she still knows me better than I know myself. But she's not Leah anymore. Old age has taken away so much of what made her, her. And it kills me. There's nothing I wouldn't do to bring her back to "life" to bring back her happiness.

I went to see her about a month ago when the doctor said it was "time" I wasn't ready, I never prepared myself to be without my grandma. When I should have been comforting her, she was comforting me.

I felt like I was fighting to hold onto a kite that just wanted to be taken away by the breeze.

She held my hand and said you have to let me go.

I get it now, she's lived her life. I can't be selfish. Sometimes its better to let the kite go and pick up the pieces than to fight the wind.

Grandma didn't pass while I was home. Knowing her she might not pass for another 10 years. But my heart is ready now. It will happen when its time.

Grandma wants to be creamated. Because "why would I want all you people standing around staring at me like that?"

I hope to fly a kite at her memorial service.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

Anyone who knows me knows I love to read. (Yeah, I'm a nerd) but seriously I will read anything you give me. So recently while perusing at Borders I picked up a book called "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life"

This book follows a family who leaves Tucson, AZ to live on a farm in Appalachia - abandoning the industrial food world and vowing to buy food raised in their own neighborhood, grow it themselves, or just go without it.

I figured if nothing else the book would be humorous....a regular family decides to become farmers. But as I read it became more than just a funny memoir. This book reinforced everything I feel about food, made me loathe the idea of stepping foot in Jewel (or Whole Foods for that matter), and once again made me realize my role as a chef has to be different than the norm.

I've always known I had a passion for food. I never realized how much until I went to culinary school and now even more since I read this book. Sure people say that their lives are changed by reading "Purpose Driven Life" or "A New Earth" or whatever self help book Oprah is touting this week. But here I sit, blogging via Blackberry to say that Animal, Vegetable, Miracle moved me, touched me, pushed me in more ways than I can tell you. Yes, a book about FOOD brought about more emotion in me than one of those infomercials about poor guatemalan kids at midnight. I laughed and cried and got angry all about the food culture of Americans.

One particularly moving part of the book brought about many memories from my childhood - moments that I credit with giving me my passion for food. The author says "Food turns events into celebrations. Its not just about the food, but the experience of creating and then consuming it."

Wow. Food does all that?

YES!

Honestly, I know a lot of people don't get it but there is nothing more satisfying than watching something go from invisible seed in the dirt to a delicious meal on your plate.

So, this summer (and every season) I encourage every one of you to REDUCE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT....go buy some local produce not some crap that was picked last week and then driven 2000 miles cross country in a truck running on $5 a gallon diesel. You'll save money buying direct from the grower and you'll save the planet. AND you'll be helping contribute to the livlihood of a LOCAL farmer.

And please please please do yourself a favor and read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. Learn about where your food comes from!!! If you have kids, talk to them about where their food comes from. Do your part to become a member of a healthy food culture. For yourself and for future generations.

If you live in Chicago there are farmers markets in almost every neighborhood on almost everyday of the week. And if you don't I gurantee there's one near you! If you aren't sure where to start visit: www.ams.usda.gov/farmersmarkets or www.localharvest.org or
www.csacenter.org (community supported agriculture)

So that's my food rant. Believe me, it matters more than you think. Go read more and visit www.animalvegetablemiracle.com for information and yummy recipes!

Peace & Love